He Said: First Night Alone with Baby

Posted on February 2, 2013 by Adam Ainbinder

IMG_1774I will admit, when my wife told me she was going to a dance performance on Saturday night with her friend, I was nervous. Then she said she was also going to dinner, and I was more than nervous. I mean, 5PM till … that’s scary. How many hours is that with just baby and me?? The real answer is not many, but the fake answer is that it feels like way more than the real answer.

Ok, it’s not that scary, but we’ve really separated the evening routine into distinct responsibilities, so this would be the first time I put the baby to bed on my own (I usually do bath and hand off a happy, relaxed baby to my wife). My nerves get to me a little – what if she won’t go down. What if she goes down too soon. What if a giant alien invades or the zombie apocalypse (which is bound to happen within the next 2-3 years for sure) happens tonight? What if…you know, now that I’m a parent there’s a lot of what ifs…

It’s 8PM and baby is in bed. She passed out at 730, which is about an hour before her normal bedtime. She did wake up and cry for about 10 minutes, but I let it pass, and she’s back sleeping again. I did it. I successfully handled my first night alone with baby. I obviously thought of a lot of negative scenarios, but its over and wife will be home in a few hours. Video games await. The zombie apocalypse could still happen, but there’s less chance now than a few hours ago. The night is a success! But I want to comment on some feelings that popped up spending some hours with just baby. I want to focus on how awesome it is to have this child.

I would of said for most of my adult life that I was questionable on having kids. I was never an “I really want them person”, and at times, I’ve been an “Hell no” person. Even up to the time we decided to have kids, I was skeptical. But my wife had confidence that I would like being a dad because I treat our pets like kids. So with a real human, imagine the love I would give. Pre-birth, I would of disagreed with this. Now I can only say that being a dad is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

When I look at Cara now, she looks back and smiles. Nearly every time. When I walk into a room and she notices me, she will turn her head to find me and constantly wants to play (which at this age, means look at you, laugh, wave her arms, kick her feet, repeat). When I see that and realize that my wife and I created that beautiful little human, it lights me up inside. It gives me purpose. It makes me want to work harder to provide for her, to think of things I can do for her to make sure she grows up to be as good a woman as she can be, and to re-prioritize things in my life. It makes me less selfish, it makes me more patient, and amazingly, it makes me a better person.

It’s also makes me love my partner more because parenting is hard. Really hard. And because of my wife, it’s not nearly as difficult as it could be (I say that weird sentence because it still is very difficult, but the right partner alleviates some of that pain). My wife and I see eye to eye on nearly everything, and that makes this job significantly easier. And I’ll be honest, you really don’t know your partner truly until you have kids and you see a new level of intimacy. And I know after these past five months that I love her more each day.

So having Cara has been an amazing experience. I light up each time I see her and she makes me want to be a better person. Despite less sleep, less time to do things I want to do (video games, golf, training), and less wife time, I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything. There are so many things now that I really can’t wait for each day. I love getting up because I get to see that beautiful smile as we do our morning dance. And I can’t wait to get home from work and watch her light up when I walk in the house (although I don’t know who wins this one, Cara or my dog Ezio). It really is awesome. And I feel like the best is yet to come.

Posted in Gender Role, Infant 0 - 6 Months | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

She Said: Passing of a Matriarch

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Adrienne Ainbinder

 

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Last week my grandmother of 88 years passed away.  The past few days have been full of memorial services and family gatherings, so I thought a post reflecting on the maternal generations would be appropriate…

When I was little, my grandmother watched me while my parents worked. I have memories of her teaching me Italian, and instructing me in the domestic ways of the kitchen and her sewing room.
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I will always remember my grandmother being proud of me.  It was clear from the way she shared us with her friends and supported our talents. Truth be told, I also learned a number of difficult lessons from my

grandmother and her Old World ways, but those lessons helped shape the person I am today, and I now can embrace them.  She never understood why I waited so late in life to get married (32) but I’m thankful that she held on long enough to understand why I waited for the right guy, to watch me walk down the aisle, and to see her great-granddaughter.  All in all, I know that she loved me even when she was tough on me and I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned and the traditions my cousins and I now have to carry on.

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So as the maternal matriarch passes on, I now look to my mother and the bond she is forming with our daughter.  It’s a beautiful thing to see life come full circle: now my mother watches her granddaughter while I am at work.  Though Cara isn’t yet old enough to learn the secrets to the best pasta sauce on Earth or be comforted by my mom’s pastina, it means the world to me to see my mother teaching her and nurturing her and it fills the time I’m away with a specific and meaningful purpose.

Being a parent, even a new one, makes you look at family in a whole new light.  As working parents, it’s tough to find time to fit everything in but I realize now that while I’m away at work and Cara is spending time with her grandmothers it’s allowing time for her to develop her own special memories.

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Recommended Reading: Pregnancy & Infant

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Adrienne Ainbinder

The Book Shelf

Another way we chose to divide and conquer this parenthood thing, was to read different books and share what we found important. We thought we’d share a list of our favorites for any parents-to-be out there.

His Reads: My wife wrote the above blurb. She is so optimistic. We read different books because I didn’t read anything. So technically, that is different. I did google a lot pre-birth and read the first 100 pages of Babywise (see her reads) when I realized, why the hell am I doing this when my wife owns this? My job should be quizzing her, not duplicating effort. But once Cara was born, that had to change. I’m slowly catching up, and my education is focused most on child development, in particular, how best to respond to children to get the best learning outcome

I LOVE this book. It starts out a bit slow, and maybe that’s because we were already beyond the pregnancy stage when I started reading, but the content is incredible. It gives a lot of science background without feeling too technical, and it used tons of examples to illustrate what are typical parent responses (which I would of fallen into) and what is ideal. The theme throughout the entire book, in summary, would be to praise effort, not intelligence, and to empathize with your child. Empathy is something I’ll need to work on, but when used in the examples in the book (I will avoid spoilers because it is that good when it gets to the examples), it seemed very logical that empathy is the road less traveled but most likely to be successful in child development.

Nurture shock is next on the list. Very similar to Brain Rules for Baby, but a slightly different approach. What I like is the themes are similar to Brain Rules, which I easily identified with. This book focuses on how over nurturing a child could set them up to fail in life because overly nurtured children are not used to failing, and when they do (since everyone will at some point in life), they won’t know how to bounce back. I’m still in the first half of the book, so plenty left to read. For the attachment parents out there, don’t confuse nurturing with attachement. You can be attached to your baby at all times, but it doesn’t mean you nurture them in the way this book describes. Check it out to learn more.

Funniest Reading Ever

A friend of mine, Lynne, sent me this link when my wife was pregnant. My gosh, I was crying reading this. CRYING! Please read this. Every guy should. Example: “#27. Taking a baby or toddler onto a plane means giving up every shred of your dignity. It means becoming that person you’ve always hated. It may be the most miserable day of your existence. But if it means getting your child to Florida where you mother will look after him for a few hours while you enjoy a quiet meal at the only restaurant in town, Applebees, then fuck ‘em. You won’t ever see the people on that plane again. Their misery is inconsequential in the face of the prospect of free childcare and a shitty piece of meat layered in gravy and cheese. This rule does not, however, apply to movie theaters. Don’t be a douche.”

Her Reads: Thanks to all of the friends who recommended these reads to me. Now it’s time to pay it forward for future parents…

This is a quick and hilarious read that gets down to the business of the things no one tells you about pregnancy. Jenny McCarthy puts aside the magical “isn’t pregnancy wonderful” stuff and talks about what you really want to know but feel like you can’t ask. Read this in a single sitting.

MUST READ in my opinion. Sleep training was a #1 priority for us knowing we’d both soon be going back to work and needed baby to sleep through the night. We are also proponents of crib sleeping vs. co-sleeping. Though I wish it were written chronologically from birth through each month of development, it gave me small goals to work toward and I’m happy to report Cara is sleeping 6-10 hours in a single stretch.

Ok hear me out… I thought “hypnobirthing” was crazy when I first heard about it, but the classes offered through the hospital did nothing to prepare me mentally or physically for delivering our baby (will try to post on this later). Hypnobirthing is about learning to relax and work with your body. After reading this book I was far less anxious about what would happen on our d-day.

We all focus so much on what’s happening during pregnancy, it’s probably worth a minute to read ahead and figure out what to do when baby arrives. Reading the first chapter during my 8th month helped me feel a little more prepared to transition from pregnant wife to Mom.

Admittedly I haven’t finished this one yet, but it’s a fascinating read whenever I can keep my eyes open long enough to digest a chapter. I love understanding what’s going on in her little head and it helps me feel like I can better contribute to the development of what she’s ready to process.

Posted in Development, Infant 0 - 6 Months | Leave a comment

Breastfeeding Perspectives

Posted on January 11, 2013 by Adam Ainbinder

Discussion Point: Perspectives on breastfeeding – background obviously written by a male

Background: Prior to having a baby, breastfeeding is a foreign concept to new parents. To a man, breasts are a sexual thing. To a woman, well, my wife can tell you that. After baby, breasts are…well, different

He Said: I had to put in this topic because I think breastfeeding is the most amazing weird ass thing I’ve ever witnessed. Prior to having our baby, breasts were awesome. As every guy will attest, it’s that thing that women have that men don’t that 100% translate into something sexual. As a guy, if you see a boob, well, that’s ALWAYS a good thing.

That’s pre-baby. Post baby, well, you see breasts a lot more, and it is usually when your beautiful little baby is sucking food out of them. And for those who don’t have kids, I think this is almost impossible to visualize or understand, most likely because it’s best if you don’t. But your baby’s general life source (food) is not the thing that always meant sex to you. And that changes everything

That also doesn’t count the times of leaking, spraying, shrinking, growing, pad attachment, and other weird things that breasts do when baby is not attached. For the guys out there who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a brief education.

Women’s bodies pump milk into breasts generally based on how much food your baby needs. It’s one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. If your baby doesn’t take food from the boob, then the boob stops making milk. It puts incredible pressure on the woman to breastfeed early on (usually when the baby doesn’t know how to suck or what to do because all food came to them through the umbilical cord in the womb) because if they don’t, the body won’t produce milk and the baby needs formula. They say breast milk is the best source of nutrients a baby can have early on, so it’s important for this process to work.

Well, when a boob gets too full, it hurts. In other weird times like when the boob is close to full and the baby fusses, it can spray. This makes for an interesting dynamic because if the baby hasn’t fed for a few hours and mom is holding baby, well, lookout clean shirt. To a dad new to parenthood, these events are just WEIRD primarily because these wonderful sexual things in your wife’s life now mean something very different.

And this doesn’t even get into pumping, which is a weird attachment that attaches to the breast and actually pumps (think nipple getting bigger and then smaller and then bigger) milk out of them. As weird as it is, this is the greatest invention because it gives me the opportunity to feed my baby with a bottle (which is awesome bonding time) and still have the benefits of breast milk versus formula.

One quick funny experience we had is the baby one day just stopped sucking on the bottle. She even stopped sucking on the breast. Of course, we freaked out. Wife went to Hoag to visit a lactation consultant (pre-parenthood guys out there – didn’t know this existed huh?) and she said the baby forgot how to suck. Yup…forgot how to suck. Because that’s normal. My initial thought was, is my baby stupid? I researched and realized that babies are a blank slate  don’t know anything – this was common and it’s part of the learning process for a baby. Imagine one day you know how to eat, and the next day you forget to put food in your mouth – this may have happened to you as a baby.

So the summary of this: breastfeeding changes things. I love to see the bond it creates between my wife and my daughter. I love that we’re giving her the best nutrition possible. I feel lucky that it’s worked out for us to do it as I know how many couples struggle with it. But I will never look at a breast the same way again.

She Said: Let me be abundantly clear… breastfeeding is hard.  I’d read/heard that nursing could be challenging, yet I believed in the natural process and that my baby and I would instantly bond in this magical connection between mother and child.  Wrong.

The fact is: you and your baby have never done this before and there are a number of factors that can lead you astray from the size of the baby’s mouth or her ability to “latch” to your body and arm positioning or your milk supply.  In the hospital the babies always seem to cooperate when the nurse is around, but when you’re on your own things can kind of fall apart.  [As an aside: you’ll be amazed by how firm the nurses are with their grip on a baby’s head and how they mash the baby’s face onto you.  Take note, baby can handle it and sometimes needs you to just be in charge.]  The cruel trick is that stressing out also stresses baby and affects your milk supply sending you in a downward spiral.

I’ll spare you the details on my particular issues, but suffice to say it was painful and frustrating for the first 3-5 weeks.  There are a million books, blogs and resources on nursing itself, so here are my tips for the stuff no one advises you about:

  • Do read up.  Don’t set expectations.  Nursing is a lot like delivery in that there’s a lot to know (biologically) and everyone has both a horror story and an opinion on what you should do.  It’s also a lot of bodily change (refer to His perspective above).  Know what’s about to come your way, but remember that just like your pregnancy, you are going to have your own experience.  Just let it be.
  • Coach your partner on how you’ll want their help.  Odds are since you made a baby together you should know each other pretty well, but you’re about to go through some intense stuff (delivery), be the most sleep deprived you’ve ever been and then try nursing for the first time.  Talk in advance about what will help you to hear and what won’t.  Be clear on how you expect your partner to support you – you may need a 3rd hand while learning the right grip, or maybe you prefer some space.  Whatever it is, don’t try to work it out on the spot.
  • Cut yourself some slack.  This is the big one.  It was SO important to me to nurse that I put a lot of extra pressure on myself.  I absolutely could not fail at my first job as a mother.  That intense need was my biggest hurdle.  On a particularly challenging day and on the verge of a breakdown, my husband said, “What’s the worst that could happen?  She drinks formula?”  In that moment I was devastated and felt he couldn’t possibly understand.  But then I realized he was right.  Being overwrought about nursing wouldn’t benefit anyone.  If she couldn’t latch and my supply wasn’t there, she would still be fed and healthy.  His support helped me let go of the pressure I placed on myself and, in the absence of that pressure, everything started to click.

I’m happy to report that with patience, support from my husband, 2 visits with lactation consultants and dozens of calls to HOAG’s Baby Line, we’ve figured it out.  It is an amazing experience and was worth the bumpy ride to get us there.

photo by: christyscherrer
Posted in Health, Infant 0 - 6 Months | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment